Feeling too Much

I have started and deleted a paragraph about nine times in 10 minutes. I am sitting here trying to find the right words to describe how I am feeling. I guess the emotion that stands out the most right now is sadness. I have felt many emotions since my mom passed away last Monday. Just yesterday, I was feeling happy, and then I decided that that emotion was wrong. Sure, that sounds silly, but I only felt that way because I thought that if I felt happy then I wasn't feeling sad for my mom not being here any longer.
Just after those emotions I started feeling anger. Mom would not have wanted me to feel like I can't be happy. She has only ever wanted to see her children smiling, laughing, and enjoying life -- but life is a bastard sometimes. Life can be jerked away from you before you know it and you're left in a daze wondering what in the hell just happened.
What I know is that you have to love the people in your life as much as you possibly can. You have to hug them and tell them how much you appreciate them as often as possible. One of my biggest regrets is not being a touchy-feely-huggy-person because right now all I want to do is hug my mother. I want to hug her sadness, anger, confusion, and pain away like she did for so many people.
Why could she make so many people feel better, but she couldn't find the peace she needed to feel better? Why are there curve balls thrown to people who can't hit them? It just seems so unfair. I know that everything I am feeling right now is normal. I know that these next days, weeks, months, and years are going to be a process. I also know that she didn't leave us to make us feel bad. She left us because she felt bad, and I hate that. I hate that with every fiber of my being.
I have to find strength where she could find none. I have to find true happiness where at times she could feel none. I have to maintain my sense of humor because she loved it. I have to keep writing because that made her proud of me. I just wish that after I posted this I could send her a text message like I always did telling her to read this.

--Brittany